I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
