this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
