haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
