nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
