I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
