I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
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