WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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