I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Randomize
