I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
