So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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