living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
They are going to name an STD after you.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Randomize
