theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
found the other keg... it's in the tree
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Randomize