his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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