She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
