Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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