I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
The best revenge is premature balding
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Randomize
