she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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