ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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