I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
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