So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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