The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
