this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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