Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
