Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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