Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
