ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
