saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
