On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
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