I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Randomize
