Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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