Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
