I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I'm too high and old for this...
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Randomize
