Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
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