My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Randomize
