Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Randomize
