i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Randomize
