My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Randomize