I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
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