I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
i think i have two assholes
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
