All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
