Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
