apparently the secret to your success is patron
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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