Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
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