if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
