So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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