im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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