Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
