Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Randomize
