mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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