Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
im about as happy as oj after his trial
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Randomize
