just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
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