he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
