it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
