He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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