you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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