my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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