I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
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