he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
