We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
