What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
