Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
