mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
